So, this is goodbye, huh?

It’s been a while, I know, but I have too much going on irl. So, I’ve decided to leave. I just thought that posting it here was the right thing to do, so that no one thinks that I fell off the edge of the Earth (shh I know the Earth is really round). I’ve had a terribly great time chatting with all of you and I’ll always be available on Skype and my personal if ever anyone wants to chat. I’ll miss you all horrendously…

Ciao, my lovelies.

Neither Here Nor There

adam-mill-i-gan:

doorwaytodoubt:

Castiel smiled sadly. In many ways, Adam was still a child who’d been thrown into a strange and terrible world, and Castiel felt sorry for him. “I do.” Sympathy: it was an emotion that he wouldn’t have understood one year ago, but now, now he did. Now, he knew what it was like to feel, regret, remorse, disappointment. Now he could sympathize with the humans he encountered.

“You could still have those things,” he supposed. He wasn’t too familiar with living a normal human life, but he did know that the presence of supernatural creatures tended to make those things more difficult. Still if that was what Adam wanted, he didn’t see why he couldn’t have it. “You’re welcome,” Castiel replied, clearly his throat. His brother had taken a liking to the boy and now he understood why.

Adam smiled sadly and shook his head.  “I don’t have the money for college, before I died I was on a full ride scholarship.  Not to mention I’m supposed to be dead.  Not sure I want to drag another person into this life, either.  The whole supposed-to-be-dead-thing kinda puts a damper on my dating anyway.”  Fucking ghouls.  Dying that way had not been fun, either.   “I don’t want to bring any risk to the college, either.  I’m probably better off self-teaching and being the medic.”  He looked sad at that.  Ever since he was twelve and lost a buddy to Cancer, he’d wanted to be a pediatric oncologist.  That definitely wasn’t going to happen.

“So, Castiel, what do you like to do for fun?”  He asked softly, wanting to change the subject.  Plus, he was starting to enjoy the angel’s company.  Castiel was nice and nothing like either Michael or Lucifer, as far as he could tell.  He smiled at the angel again.  Adam was curious about Castiel, and seeing as he wasn’t sleeping and Cas seemed to want to stay and help, why not talk?

Castiel nodded. He understood where Adam was coming from, but he felt sorry for the boy. He was glad that he, at least, had others around who could help him through this and teach him how to navigate life.

“Fun?” Castiel questioned. He’d been dancing before and explored London, but that had been so long ago. He hadn’t done anything that could be remotely considered fun recently. Unless, one considered talking to Gabe and eating burgers, fun. “Nothing, I suppose. You?”

Neither Here Nor There

adam-mill-i-gan:

Adam shrugged.  “I think Sam and Dean call it the “apple pie life.”  I don’t know, human stuff?  Worrying about school and stressing over asking a girl out.  Being nagged by my mom and going home from college for Thanksgiving Day.  I mean, that’s normal for me.  I think normal’s relative to the person.  This…is not my normal.”  He looked at Castiel and smiled weakly.  “You sound like you sympathize a little.  If that’s true, I’m sorry.”  He said softly.  He fiddled with his fingers.

A bitter laugh escaped Adam and he nodded.  “I don’t have much choice, do I?  I’ll deal with what I can, do what I can, and learn to be okay.  That is, if I don’t die from sleep deprivation.”  He heaved a sigh again.  “Um.  Thank you.  For doing this, for keeping me company.”  Adam really hated feeling like he was vulnerable.  But…at least, Castiel didn’t make him feel bad for it.

Castiel smiled sadly. In many ways, Adam was still a child who’d been thrown into a strange and terrible world, and Castiel felt sorry for him. “I do.” Sympathy: it was an emotion that he wouldn’t have understood one year ago, but now, now he did. Now, he knew what it was like to feel, regret, remorse, disappointment. Now he could sympathize with the humans he encountered.

“You could still have those things,” he supposed. He wasn’t too familiar with living a normal human life, but he did know that the presence of supernatural creatures tended to make those things more difficult. Still if that was what Adam wanted, he didn’t see why he couldn’t have it. “You’re welcome,” Castiel replied, clearly his throat. His brother had taken a liking to the boy and now he understood why.

(Source: doorwaytodoubt)

Neither Here Nor There

adam-mill-i-gan:

Adam felt like he was five.  He was grateful to Castiel for backing up a little and he sat up, sighing and wiping his face to be sure.  The young man looked up at the angel and he nodded.  “Yeah.  I, uh, used to dream about being free when I was in hell.  Kind of part of why I feel out of touch with reality.”  Well, it seemed Castiel had held his word.

He was so…used to doing things on his own.  It was, even after Hell, still a little odd to think that he had people to depend on that weren’t mom.  Adam sighed and offered Castiel a small smile.  “Thanks for trying.”  He had no desire to revisit that, which was the general pattern of his nights.  He really hated feeling like this – like an old man one moment, a little kid the next.  “I should be moving on to Medical School by now, you know.”  He said softly, sighing.  They might as well chat a little.  “Maybe have a girlfriend.  Normal stuff.”  Instead he’d gotten hellfire.  Though it wasn’t fair, he couldn’t change it.  He just had to find a way to survive.

“What exactly is normal?” Castiel asked, just the slightest tinge of bitterness in his voice. Adam hadn’t asked to be used by Michael and locked in the Cage. He certainly hadn’t asked for the problems that he was now facing as a result of his stint in Hell, but he’d gotten the, anyway. Likewise, Castiel hadn’t asked to release the Leviathan, but he had, and he was now living, of sorts, with the consequences.

“You learn to take it one day at a time.” He’d heard the adage ‘with age come wisdom’ and although he’d been around for so long, he wouldn’t have considered himself. Not until he’d experienced and learned from those experiences. There was no point in thinking of what could have been, and what shouldn’t have been. He’d learned to move on from his mistakes and to appreciate the people who were still around.

(Source: doorwaytodoubt)

Neither Here Nor There

adam-mill-i-gan:

Adam hated the nightmares.  It was just…well, it was hell in every sense of the word.  It was Sam getting tortured by Lucifer, him in his corner, and he usually couldn’t even help Sam because Lucifer wouldn’t let him look over.  Never a break, never anything, all he could do was watch his brother get tortured into insanity.  It sucked and was really the main reason he doubted he was actually free.  It was just like every time he’d woken up in Hell having dreamt of freedom.  Regardless, he’d fallen asleep before his head had hit the pillow.

He got a good ninety minutes before the nightmares started.  Adam could only guess he’d started crying before he’d been woken up because he woke up practically whimpering and being gently awoken by who he could only guess was Castiel.  He didn’t even wipe his eyes, just snapped the rubber band harshly and looked up at the angel with a sigh.  “Sorry, I’m okay.”  He said softly, wiping at his eyes in embarrassment.

Castiel had begun to believe that Adam would actually receive a few hours of sleep when the whimpers began. He’d been sitting in the chair for what had appeared to be no more than a few minutes, reflecting, when he’d heard the sound of crying. Watching Adam struggle with what was obviously a horrid dream, did things to his heart. For as long as he could remember, from his very creation, he’d been a younger brother. He’d never had someone who depended on him the way he depended on Gabe, or someone who needed him more than they needed anyone else. Being here and knowing that for a few seconds, at least, he could help someone else made him feel more useful than he had in a while.

Castiel made his way over to the bed, carefully avoiding any flailing limbs, placed his hand on Adam’s shoulder. He shook gently, speaking quietly, and patiently waiting for the boy to wake up. When he finally did, Cas nodded and stepped back in order to give Adam his space. He looked embarrassed enough. The last thing he needed was an angel staring at him.  “Does this happen every time you try to sleep?”

(Source: doorwaytodoubt)

Neither Here Nor There

adam-mill-i-gan:

Adam looked at the angel in surprise.  He was tired, and it seemed tempting, though trusting angels wasn’t exactly on his list of smart things to do anymore.  He set his beer down and sighed, running both hands over his features with a heaving sigh.  He really wanted to say yes.  Practically Adam’s whole body told him to say yes.  Get sleep, let the angel watch over you so you can sleep with less worry.  Hesighed yet again and looked up at Castiel.

“…I’m sure you understand why I’m nervous about it.”  Last time he’d trusted an angel, he’d been dragged down from heaven for bait.  And that had turned out so fantastically.  But, his brothers had trusted Castiel and so…maybe this was okay.  “Um…okay, thank you.  Seriously.”  He was too tired to even wash his face or brush his teeth.  Adam just toed off his shoes and walked over to the neat piles of medical supplies and medicines he’d stolen.  Drugstore cold medicine would do the trick just nicely.  He doled out enough and downed it like a shot with a grimace.

Castiel could tell that his offer had surprised Adam, and he didn’t blame him. After all, his brothers hadn’t really given the boy a reason to trust Angels. He stood back, trying not to force him in anyway. He knew that this had to be a choice that Adam made on his own: he’d have to decide, of himself, that he trusted Cas enough to actually believe that he would protect him.

Castiel watched as Adam downed the cold medicine, his choice made, and waited until he’d settled in before taking a seat in the chair opposite the bed. He sat, arms crossed in front of him, and prepared himself for what he hoped would be a long and restful few hours.

(Source: doorwaytodoubt)

Neither Here Nor There

adam-mill-i-gan:

Adam laughed softly.  “It’s not your fault, Castiel.  But thanks.”  He shook his head and sighed.  “Not really a matter of wanting to sleep.  I can get away with using cold medicine to drug myself for a few hours of sleep.  You know, so I don’t end up getting more insane because of no sleep.”  No, the cage had been enough to cause that, he didn’t really need help.  “I won’t be doing that for a few hours, so you’re welcome to stay if you’d like.”  Adam shrugged lightly.

“He’s got a broken arm and a bunch of stitches and bruising but he’s alive.  We’re just lucky I have a general donation blood type.”  He shrugged again.  “Dean’s still my brother.  If there’s one good thing to come out of being in the cage, it’s that I learned who my family is.  And how little time we have – Dean and Sam are even more prone to being gone.  They’re all I have, and I might as well help them.”  He smiled tiredly.  “Good.  Maybe he’ll be less crabby if you’re able to even heal him just a little.  He’s a crappy patient.”

Castiel smiled. “I can imagine.” He understood the lifestyle, of always being on the move, and knew that broken bones and injuries were not especially conducive to that lifestyle.

“I can…” He sighed. “I can stay with you, if you’d like. While you sleep.” He was busy, sure, with research and other obligations, but he was sure that Gabriel wouldn’t mind much if Castiel spent a few hours here with Adam. He’d do just about anything to get the boy to sleep. With his past, he wasn’t sure Adam would agree to Cas helping out much in those regards, but watching over him while he slept, wasn’t too much to ask. It was the very least of his services that he could offer.

(Source: doorwaytodoubt)